Crazy things on the horizon

Hilarious, Sarcasm, Witty Humor

Where do I begin…

I GOT THE JOB . Like I’m moving. It’s actually happening. Never in a million years did I think I would actually make my dream of moving to Washington DC come true. I’m going to get to work for a great agency and stay within an aviation field, which I am happy about. It’s overwhelming and a relief all in one very large package.

Couple of other things:

My weight loss surgery is still a thing. It just may get pushed back a little…but it’s still happening. I know that it will be a lot for me to take on all at once but I believe it can be done and that I’ll be a better person for doing it.

I’ve been nominated for The Wiley Post Leader of the Year award. Pretty snazzy…and I appreciate my boss for recognizing my hard work. She’s been a great a supervisor. I’ll find out this evening whether or not I’m the lucky recipient.

On to funny things…

I busted my ass. You know when it’s really slick outside and there’s ice everywhere and your shoes are just not ‘non-skid’ enough to hold on? Now take that scenario and subtract the ice and that’s what happened to me. Someone through their coffee out on the sidewalk at a gas station (assholes) and so to clean it up…the gas station attendants throw water on it ….(insert blank stare here). I get out in my tiny, no-sole flats and step in that water-coffee. It was just cold enough outside to make that tiny puddle of water…slippery…and I fell right there. If I had been above the age of 70, I would be the proud owner of a prosthetic hip right now.

Funniest thing about falling like that …is the face of horror you make on the way down. I pray someone catches mine on film one day because I absolutely know it’s phenomenally hilarious.

IMG_8792

Driving is a continuos struggle for me. A CONTINUOS struggle! But occasionally funny stuff happens while driving. Like vanity plates. That say things like this:

IMG_8719

I will say that I get what she was going for …but that made my mind jump directly to something else. ‘Tang’ is not short for Mustang, lady. Tang is a drink that some astronaut drank 60 years ago and can also be a slang term for a lady part…soooo…be more careful with your vanity plates, folks.

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The Interview…no, not the movie

Hilarious, Sarcasm, Witty Humor

My trip to DC was a blast. I couldn’t begin to tell you how excited I was to be there again.

THE INTERVIEW:

No…not the movie with James Franco and Seth Rogan that got cancelled because North Korea secretly runs North American Cinema. My interview with the FAA went as well as I could have imagined or planned. The interview was very conversational and relaxed which allowed me to be more like myself and less robotic in my answers. The nodding and affirmations each person gave me during the interview helped tremendously.

I’d like to put this disclaimer out there now: If I don’t get this job I fully believe it will be because the North Koreans.

One of the guys who interviewed me, called me back a few hours later to ask me about being interested in another position, if this one doesn’t pan out. I was shocked! You mean to tell me, not one but two possible jobs? Yes please! My first instinct was “He’s calling to tell you, you got the job!” …two seconds later my second instinct was “He’s calling to tell you, you didn’t get the job because we saw the run in the back of your stockings and the tattoos you were trying to hide…unsuccessfully.”(My tattoos have now become a source of anxiety during job interviews…my mother and best friend will be telling me “I told you so”….any minute now) Before the man even got 2 words out of his mouth, I had already dreamed up 4 different scenarios of what he was going to tell me.

That's some mighty fine anxiety you got there, ma'am!

That’s some mighty fine anxiety you got there, ma’am!

FLIGHT HOME:

So…speaking of anxiety, I am not an anxious flyer. In fact, I enjoy flying…if all my basic human functions are being met. (This, by the way, was theme of my trip to DC. More on this in a minute) Meaning, I can sit in a seat with my back against the chair, have some kind of air blowing on me and possibly a cup of water. That is really all I need to have a good flight. My flight home from Dallas (layover) to OKC did NOT meet the basic human needs for me. Please see below to find out why:

There’s always a preface when I’m about to be mean. I want to begin by saying I’m a big girl. And I know all too well what it is like to fly while being big. I do not condone fat-shaming and it is not okay. Preface complete.

I fat-shamed the guy next to me for 40 minutes on the plane ride home. He took up 1/3 of my seat, all of his seat and 1/3 of the girl’s, on the other side of him, seat. Of course he sat in the middle.Of course he tried to put his arm on top of mine….IT DIDN’T HAPPEN! I WILL ALWAYS WIN ARM WAR!  I was so irritated after the short 40 minute flight, I ran….RAN… through the airport so I could get out of there! I don’t want to say the solution is big people need to buy two seats. I mean …it seems like the best possible solution but it also sounds horrible.

When I fly, being a big person, I sit very still, I sleep with headphones on, I don’t ask for something to drink (unless it’s a long flight), I don’t ask for those dehydrating peanuts and pretzels. I just sit! I don’t talk to people, I don’t get up a 100 times to use the bathroom. I don’t take up more room than I should. I don’t close the windows so no one can see out. I just think flying really brings out the worst in people. Mostly myself because I can’t handle people who need all this shit for a 40 minute flight. SIT STILL, LOOK FORWARD and DON’T TALK. It’s only 40 minutes. Read SkyMall, play Candy Crush, just don’t move.

BASIC HUMAN FUNCTIONS:

So…you know when you are on vacation or a trip to a big city and you walk more than you ever thought you possibly could? Take that times 23 and that is how far my best friend and I walked in DC this week. We didn’t really know where anything was, so we’d guess, get off at a stop and hope Google’s failed attempt at a mapping system would help us out. So that meant a lot of walking. Which also meant, there wasn’t always a bathroom, food or shelter immediate for us. If I wasn’t freezing to death (see previous post where my dumb ass forgot my winter coat) I was dehydrated. If I wasn’t dehydrated, my legs hurt (undoubtedly from being dehydrated) or I was hungry. I’m so damn needy.

My best friend completely sympathized with me and often felt the same needs as I …so I didn’t feel so bad. He’s just way better at hiding it than me. Funny thing though, when you walk the National Mall (it is not a shopping mall, by the way) You will see a TON of people running. In winter in DC. When it is 21 degrees outside. Running. I didn’t get it but to each their own.

FUN LITTLE TIDBIT:

When we got to the White House, they were clearing the sidewalks and making us get a way from it. My best friend was convinced the POTUS was coming back into town from being abroad. I think it was just a stray dog or something. Here’s the pic from that:

We were making those ironic "look we are at the White House" faces, never turns out they way you'd like them to.

We were making those ironic “look we are at the White House” faces, never turns out they way you’d like them to.

Lastly, when I was coming back home… I didn’t have that familiar feeling I usually have after being gone to another place and then coming home. I felt like I had left the place I was supposed to be! I love DC and I think I’m ready to call it home for a while. I’ll keep you posted!

Lack of sleep reminds me that I’m almost 30

Sarcasm, Witty Humor

Sleep! What was I thinking? Going to bed at 11:30 and getting up at 4:30AM. Not getting enough sleep reminds me that I am not 20 years old. My body is rebelling and I am on struggle street. So this makes being at an airport in Atlanta all that more interesting. Because everything about people annoys the whole hell out of me when I’m sleepy. Even myself. I’ve had 2 red bulls and I still can’t manage to open my eyes all the way.

So…what I love about airports is all the stuff you get to see. Exhibit A

IMG_8561 There’s a hubbub going on around this guy and I hear the words “well I’ve beena vomitin, diarrhea-n and I think I have a fever.” My good side said ..’oh no…poor guy.’ But my other, much more dominant side said “oh no, you won’t be getting on my flight giving me Typhoid Fever…” Or SARS? The plague? I literally can’t think of what the disease is called people were getting and I’m too lazy to google it.

Lastly, it’s 27 degrees in DC…and my large winter coat is in the back of my car…in OKC. Sigh.

The Follow Up

Sarcasm, Witty Humor

Washington D.C. …my big city dream.

I received a phone call last Friday telling me I was being flown into D.C. for a second interview the following week. The MOST exciting news I’ve received in quite some time. My stomach is in knots thinking about what in the world this second “follow up” interview might encompass. I mean the first interview was 45 minutes and they asked me 10 very in depth, competency based questions. I was sweating so badly, when I left the conference room, 2 people asked me if I was okay and one lady suggested I go to the hospital. And I’d like to mention I DO NOT get nervous about anything.

I imagine this is what my dress looked like. Less athletic but definitely just as sweaty.

I imagine this is what my dress looked like. Less athletic but definitely just as sweaty.

Here are some things I’m nervous about: (These are real fears…I cannot make up the anxiety that swirls about in my head).

1.) Sweating so badly I look like I’ve ran a marathon. And let’s be real, they are gonna know by looking at me that I do NOT run marathons.

2.) Getting lost on the metro. I like to pretend that, since I’ve been to DC 3 different times like 8 years ago, that I know where everything is and do not need help. DC-ers are gonna know “I’m not from around these parts” I have a feeling.

3.)  That I am going to call the lady I am interviewing ‘HE’ instead of ‘SHE’….I might be afraid of this because this may have already happened on the phone with her secretary. She has an asian name…it was an honest mistake. I think.

4.) That they are going to offer me the job and I am actually going to leave OKC and start a completely new life in my dream city.

In other news, I’ve been selling items that I’ve been needing to get rid of for a while now on a little thing called Facebook Garage Sales. Yes, it is as glamorous as it sounds. So I meet with people in well lit areas, with lots of other people around and exchange goods for moola. I will say, when you do things like this, this definitely attracts a ….wide array…of people. One lady haggled me for a cheap purse from $7 to $3…. three whole dollars. I wanted to tell her I wasn’t a Mexican marketplace but I gave it to her for that….because poverty (this is normally where I’d insert a hashtag but I’m kinda out of that phase).I was getting ready to leave this odd meeting but since I was at a 7-11, I was naturally accosted by a panhandler, who saw the transaction happen. He says “Can I get some of what you’re selling?” …I said “You got 3 dolla?” …he responds…”Hey thats my question!”

And life comes full circle.

Don't steal a panhandler's questions.

Don’t steal a panhandler’s questions.

If it could happen to me….it has.

Sarcasm, Witty Humor

Here I am again. It seems I try to start a blog every 3 years…particularly because I think I am hilarious. Some call it pompous, I call it realism. Either/or. This blog seems important to start for many reasons though. Which I of course am going to roll out in a numerical bullet point list…because neuroticism.

1.) I am having a Sleeve Gastrectomy (Gastric Sleeve Surgery) around the first week in April. I need an outlet to talk about this in funny quips that may …or may not be appropriate in a face-to-face setting.

2.) I am applying to jobs in Washington DC hand over fist….like 30 jobs a day. It is not an exaggeration. You should see my USA Jobs profile. And I need to talk about it people. I think it’s become an obsession!

3.) I think I have a knack for writing. And being funny. Being funny while writing. All of the above.

4.) Because Facebook Notes just do not really seem to get the point across like they did in 2008. But if you get a second go read a rant I wrote about President Obama in 2008 call “100 things he didn’t do right in the first 100 days”…it will surely brighten your day. I was such a little (insert curse word of choice here).

*I also ask that you poignantly pay attention to the URL of the blog…and the name of the blog. I think I’m pretty crafty. The name of the blog is from an SWV song in the 90s. I feel like if I didn’t tell you, you wouldn’t have known.*

Just to jump right into story telling time. This evening I am on my way to meet some lovely people at Fassler Hall to have some German style food and beer. When behold in front of me and completely in my way is a gigantic H2 Humdinger or FJ Flight Cruiser vehicle, I don’t know something large and obnoxious, driving 15 miles an hour. Usually I’d be exaggerating about how fast (or slow in most cases) the car in front of me is driving but this person is actually driving well under the speed limit…and not ironically like I sometimes do. So before I know it, I’m somewhat tailing him. (I’d also like to input in this car’s defense, I have a road-rage issue…I’m well aware.It’s a sickness and we’ll talk about it in another post) So instead of being a normal person who would go on about there way of driving and not paying attention to me, he proceeds to pull over in a residential area. Get behind me and tail me with his BRIGHTS ON. That will show me! I better not ever tail someone EVER AGAIN. (<—I’d like it to be known anytime I say something like this…it is ripe sarcasm) So being the asshole I am, I pull over and do the same thing to him, except I don’t tail him because I’ve become bored with this game. We come to a stoplight. I’m turning left, he’s turning right. He rolls down him window to yell at me. I’ve started doing this thing where, when drivers become angry with me, instead of flipping them off, I wave at them emphatically until my arm almost falls off. Being that I’m not afraid of anyone, I should have rolled my window down to yell back at him but in a more intelligent way. But I was listening to Nicki Minaj’s new CD and didn’t really have the want to pause it to yell at him. So I smiled at him and waved some more and drove off. If he had simply drove the already ridiculously slow speed limit of 30MPH instead of 15MPH, we could have avoided this fun little kerfuffle. Some people will never learn…I’m always right. PS: This leads me to believe I am completely and totally ready to move to a large city like DC.

Revitalization and Oklahoma City

Sarcasm, Witty Humor

So I have this theory I’ve been tossing around. The reason Oklahoma City is seeing such a large revitalization in its Midtown/Uptown area is because the beginning of the Millennial generation is now old enough to be creating their own ‘craft’ beer houses, ritzy bars and hipster restaurants. I fully believe my generation longs for the restaurants and bars of times past. And that is why we are seeing these very classic/modern twists on restaurants and bars in OKC. I won’t throw out as years pass and the Thunder stay here and bring in major revenue into the city, that they don’t play a big part in bringing more upscale dining and nightlife to OKC. However, I’d like to think my generation has something to do with it. What I kinda failed to remember is that most of my generation is in their early twenties to early thirties and probably do not have the money to start up these great businesses. But let’s just let me think that, shall we.